Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
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