Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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