omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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