Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
