I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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