Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Randomize
