One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
