Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
