Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
