Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
