So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
