I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
