i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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