Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
