I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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