also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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