my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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