as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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