Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
