If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
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