I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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