I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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