She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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