My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
