if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
