guys are not supposed to queef...right?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize