bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
