I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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