I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize