There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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