i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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