I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I intend to get homeless drunk
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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