You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
