You're my little dorito
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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