First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
