It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
