Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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