This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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