i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
