I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
You ever have a fart follow you around?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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