He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
