If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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