I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
