Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
