my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
