Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
