His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Everything about him screamed your future.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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