found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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