between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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