im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
