First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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