At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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