hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I'm jealous of your bromance
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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