I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm always down for nudity.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
