I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
