Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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