shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
