Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
