i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
