Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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