Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
