You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
