I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
