I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
