So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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